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Jun. 22nd, 2006 | 12:19 am







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[untitled]

Apr. 10th, 2006 | 05:06 pm

jealous of your daydreams, i'll never understand how you drift, when all around, shifty looking ladies demand your attention. it startles me and theres good reason for jealousy.
no. pause. in. their. eyes.
and you sit curb side of a road full of taxis, picking your flower apart....thinking of maybe me...by grimy alleyways, ghosts dance in the graveyard, the old slow bones wishing their shame away.
'well i've never seen the night like this before'
hushed under breath as you rub your eyes, because you think you see me there.
and you dont.
you dont.
but you will.

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[untitled]

Mar. 12th, 2006 | 11:40 pm

what do i know about the waves of the ocean
or the pages of a book?
what is food if no one eats it?
what is a book if no one reads it?
i guess it's me, but i'd rather be something
that is held quite often.
it feels good for you to hold me so often.
and so close.

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[she's that kind of girl]

Mar. 12th, 2006 | 11:25 pm
music: Mogwai

she tells me that cigarettes make her homesick. that she misses those frantic nights spent strumming guitars on bare mattresses and hurling smoke rings at the ceiling. she tells me that all of her favorite songs are at least eight minutes long, that anything less is just pretentious. all of her cds are scratched and shaken- not because of abuse, but because of love- she listens to them so much that they simply can't keep up with her anymore. she keeps them all in cigar boxes in the back seat of her old blue pontiac. her words are melodic and full of poetry, even though she thinks that she rambles incessantly. she's the kind of girl that chases down an espresso as though it were a thimble of water, and the kind of girl that wears cha-cha heels to the beach. she tells me that she doesn't own a tv, a microwave, or a pair of white socks (she says white reminds her of blizzards, frigid and melancholy). she says that god is the most under-appreciated artist of our generation. he didn't need a microwave. flowers, she loves dresses with flowers on them. even if the fabric is heavy or paper thin or makes her hips look huge, she says she'll wear any dress with a flower on it. she says she used to wear real flowers in her hair. now, though, her hair is cut short and dyed some unearthly color. she says that she loves horror films. to her, horror means: aging, nine-to-five jobs, broken glass, flat tires, tornados, decaffeinated coffee. horror is not: monsters, ghosts, abandoned houses, or witches with warts on their noses. it takes real life to make her coil up underneath a bedspread and hide, with satin sheets clenched between sweaty fists in pure trepidation.

she says: Well, what about you?

i say: i have a microwave...but i'm willing to throw it out.

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[eg: altered imperative]

Feb. 5th, 2006 | 07:21 pm

to you, i write like dirty, hot, southern summers. my words twist up your legs like swamp creatures, pulling you under, sucking the breath from your trudging, scraping lungs. your brow furrows in concentration and your hands subconsciously push the hair back behind your ears - the hands you use for everything. those hands i'd know better than my own. i want to hold them against my face to see what it might feel like to be held that way. and i imagine it is nice, but not surprising. i am female - i am woman but i am sexless, androgony at its best and worst. don't be fooled by eyelashes painted black, pink cheeks, smooth legs. they are a facade for an unknown reserve of wise knowledge. beyond my years. beyond this place. i see past toxic sunsets. i see the future, and sometimes it feels as unsaturated and bleak as the past. my writing, my gritty rhetoric, does not speak to the masses - but the truth i tell is piercing, and it makes me afraid to show you what i've finished, because it won't leach emotion from the corners of your eyes. sometimes my words leach nothing but patience... and you are growing tired of that. so i guess it's my turn to come to you... and stop with the writing already.

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[a rant you may not need to read]

Jan. 19th, 2006 | 06:08 pm
mood: pissed offpissed off

basically, i'm sick of being viewed as an intimidating asshole, so i am taking my rants and sticking them here. this way i can continue posting about much happier, lighter subjects. like puppies and kittens and pretty pictures. i may elaborate at a later date, depending on who irritates me at just the wrong time, but here it is so far:


PAY ATTENTION:

i am not claiming to be anything. sure, i'm not your run-of-the-mill recycled shit, but i'm certainly not claiming to be groundbreaking and breathtakingly original. don't e-mail me and attempt to put me in my place when your only basis for whining is some shitty little conclusion you've come to from reading my journal entries, myspace profile, or otherwise. i'm glad you have such an extreme hatred for my online persona, but CALM THE FUCK DOWN. those of you who are dying to meet me...i certainly do not want to meet any 15 year old carbon copy princess with typical bathtub blood combo pictures and a knack for catching syphilis. i don't mind trendy people; it's the generic ones i can't stand. i hate people who try too hard to be cool. intellectual. offensive. obscure. profound. elite. just stop it already. you're not impressing anyone. i'm not too fond of people who are defined by their looks. those who, when you strip it all away, all you're left with is a spoiled brat with an attitude problem. i don't need a cute lil' entourage; i need company i can relate to and enjoy being around. i like people who don't expose every aspect of their life upon a first or second meeting. maintain a sense of mystery, and you'll hold my interest. i like people who perplex me, are impossible to figure out, those who make me question everything, and those who can always manage to take me by surprise. i really want to meet someone that i can talk to for hours and hours on end. and someone who will put life on hold to take a spontaneous road trip with me. and most importantly, someone who isn't intimidated by me. but if you're stupid yet unthreatening, i'll probably be nice to you anyway. my bullshit detector is on pretty damn high. if you're out to use me for personal gain or suck me dry, i catch on pretty fast. sometimes i'll play along, sometimes i'll chew you up and spit you out. and if you somehow slip past me, good luck getting past my friends. they can, and they will, tear you a new asshole; verbally or physically in accordance to their weapon of choice. yeah, that's how i roll. just because you have an an adorable haircut and fashionista pictures does not mean you've impressed me any more than your average joe. yes, you're cute as hell, but if you can't hold a conversation, don't even bother. we all like a pretty face, but if your schtick doesn't go beyond your precise eyeshadow & liquid liner combo, fuck off. keep in mind. some of the most attractive boys & girls in the world are also the most annoying & ignorant. if i seem harsh, it's because i feel it's necessary to present myself this way. i've put up with a lot of shit during my short time on this planet, and in all honesty, i'm ready to kick back and enjoy a nice, easygoing, boring, and (most importantly) drama-free lifestyle. but it's certainly not that thus far. for the fucking record, i am not a skinny girl. don't expect me to be some hard-bodied beach bunny. i'm not a slob; i just don't like the idea of counting carbs and calories. i don't consider myself a lead commander in the fatty-brigade, but i do have a little weight, mostly muscle, and all the other characteristics that make me a normal human being. deal with it or fuck off. if you're the type to obsess over ounces & pounds and the flaws in the physical features of the people around you, you're not the kind of person i would be interested in meeting, anyway. some of you seem to think i'm saying this for attention. maybe you're right. i enjoy that my voice is being heard, and it becomes worth it when i see all the awesome, supportive responses i get. i really appreciate that there are people out there that think the same way i do, or at the very least respect me for what i have to say. if that seems like a desperate cry for attention, then so be it. just don't pretend you're any better. you obviously have a livejournal for a reason. the second you create an identity for yourself on the INTERNET of all places, you're sending the signal out that you want the attention. there is not one excuse you could come up with that would make me feel any differently. and by putting yourself out there, you're not really presenting much of an arguement. isn't that the pot calling the kettle black? stop with the hypocrisy, already.


kthxbye.

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umm...

Jan. 18th, 2006 | 06:36 pm
music: jumpers by sleater-kinney

i'm posting because a friend thought that i should.

hi.

otherwise, i shall retreat once again from this until i deem it critical to do otherwise. kthxbye.

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we're back in business!

Nov. 25th, 2005 | 03:55 pm
mood: groggygroggy
music: "It Girl" by Betty

bloody fucking hell! making an album is not so easy as i imagined. deviations from the guidelines is absolutely unacceptable. what the producer says - goes! no question! i like to be a little more creative than just writing, collaborating, rehearsing, recording, listening, mixing, mastering, copy and pasting, washing, rinsing, and repeating. as usual, i was wrong, hence the creativity in all of those guidelines. or maybe it was just that i like to be my own boss and follow my own guidelines...for lack of anything better to do than strum on a squier all the time. and then i learned that creativity is all about rigid structure and analytical thought. there is only one way to get it made. and i am learning this the hard way. first i wake up (which sounds fairly difficult) and to the aspiring musician, it usually is one of the toughest guidelines, yet crucial to the process. then i have to find a source of caffeination for the work day ahead of me, seeing as i push 3 jobs. come home from work, and it's straight to the basement. all bands work differently, but for us the lyrics and music come all at once. usually, kris comes up with a core piece of the song and then starts adding in syllables and lyrics until there is a cadence for the words that starts working with the music. the lyrics and music push each other along hand-in-hand until there is a tune and completed lyrics to go with it. okay. that's just the basic structure of a hit. then we have to collaborate or shape our new song into something more complete. this is where we have to start thinking about how to make it a song for the whole band. in that case, kris will come to me and together we will fill in the gaps. after locating and leashing all the important parts of our new song, we practice playing them with the band. keep in mind, we make it sound the way we want before we put a mic in front of it. once we assemble the troupes, we try it on! after we've rehearsed, the physical recording component of an album-creation makes way. we record with a simple easy-to-use set-up that's nothing fancy really. all we need is a mac w/ 2 audio inputs, protools, and 2 mics. once we have that, each member takes turns laying down their track. we simply point mics in the general direction of the amps and push what is usually a big red button on the audio recording device. at that point, we start playing in unison untill the song is complete. we do this over and over and over again and again and again until we're happy. then - once we're smiling, we over-dub anything and everything our minds tell us is good, just don't do it if it's bad. then for some odd reason i shall never know, i am entrusted to make the sounds we've recorded come together in a manner that makes sense. i assume since half the time i make sense, it only seems logical. although, this is where the tedious work starts and the anal side of everyone comes out. really - it's not that hard to learn the technology, but it can be hard to get the mix just like i want it. the trick is really - REALLY listening and then stepping away and coming back...adjusting the levels accordingly. our drummer, cadence, will say things like "turn up the snare." and sometimes i contribute with "it needs more bottom end." then kris will say something to the respect of "does this really show how big my boobs...ego...i mean vocals are...damn" then someone [i] invariably will remark "can you turn the suck knob down?!"

not so bad so far - all things considered.

now we move to the album mixing - which means we make sure all the songs flow into each other well - make sure there's a method to the madness...it's just like making a mix tape - only - not really. anyways, sadly, this is as far as we've come. so within the next two weeks, we take it to get mastered at the studio. our producer says that the mastering process runs the album through high-end equipment to make it sound big, clear, and dynamically strong. we have been asking around for recommendations from other musicians and listening to what they have done on other musician's albums to find one we think will fit with our sound. after that comes the promo and ridicualously fun shit. we already have a close friend who has committed to designing our album art. pulling in favors is a good and cheap way to go! then there's the promos, the biogs, the histories, the experience...etc. etc. etc. which is only part of the battle. there's writing press releases, photos, covering letters, management details...i could go on and on. right now, we deem it critical to start on the biogs - seeing as it's a surprisingly tricky business. it's hard to get the right balance between selling yourself and sounding like a prat. they're pretty formulaic, like you gotta have lineup, background, career milestones, influences, forthcoming gigs, press quotes, logos (which we don't have yet). then we can go to a cd duplication company and get copies made (we're doing it online!) we just hand over the tunes and they handle the rest. after it's all complete, i can't wait to PUSH PLAY!

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do i believe in true love? HAHA! oh, you weren't kidding.

Nov. 3rd, 2005 | 04:02 pm
mood: complacentcomplacent
music: Rasputina

i mean honestly here, don't you know me by now? true love? love at first sight? "falling in" love? come on already! me? entirely incapable of it...a service-oriented givist, passionate maybe, unconditional lovitress, with a powerfully overactive imagination around romanticism, and an overabundance of spontaneous, creative ideas on continuously spoiling her rotten like no one has ever spoiled her before, to a point where she doesn't know what hit her, in a very un-suffocating, un-clingy, detached way...but only if she doesn't expect it! strong believer in boundless generosity and making positive, lasting deposits into her emotions from the moment i meet her. as long as it is healthy, not exploited or self-destructive. i believe that every person should at least, at some point in her life, experience what it's like to feel that she is the center of the universe. just lay there and be loved. if i didn't have that approach towards every engagement in my life, then what would my habitual approach be when the ideal one came along?

never have i nor will i demand commitment from anyone even in monogamous relationships. if monogamy is to occur, i think that it should be voluntary, spontaneous, not based on any kind of expectations or social standards. that's because i believe that a relationship is a moment-to-moment decision. if at any point my significant other wants to be somewhere else...with someone else, she should have the right to go there. that way, i know for a fact that when she is spending time with me, that's what's really on her mind, and i treasure that. i have a strict policy against forcefulness, jealousy, and possessiveness towards others and myself...although, of course if you are human, at least on some occasion one would experience at least brief feelings of wanting to force things to happen a certain way. there's no way of completely avoiding feeling that way once in a while. it's a matter of rationalizing through it. it's a matter of asking myself "what will i achieve by guilt tripping a girl into spending time with me instead of doing something else she wants to be doing?" it comes from a place of security, and fully trusting her to do what's right for her. knowing that she will come back, and knowing that she knows that i will still be here when she comes back? wow. that is intense surrender that i would happily share with the likeminded individual! and if she doesn't come back, then why would i want to be with a girl who doesn't want to be there in the first place? u can't beat someone's heart into submission.

since i have lived by this crazy notion, friends have come up to me and said "oh that's cool you are into polyamoury..." and i'm like "am i?" i think it's more that i'm just a strong believer in giving people the freedom of choice all the time. when someone says that they will love me forever, what they really mean is that they love me forever today. they don't know what they will feel the next day and neither do i. u see...relationships are living entities that we breathe life into and shape and grow them at our own will. we can create them as we wish. me, personally? i'm trying to stay detached from any one relationship structure. i also have a policy of treating her in very unique ways, because she deserves that. so i am very open and receptive to new ideas and ways of relating to her. i am constantly changing and evolving and so do my views and ideas. always up for a challenge.

i have come to the realization that i really want to make a point to spend a good amount of time connecting with her first on emotional, intellectual, and artistic levels before i connect with her intimately on the physical - predominately building a foundation in meaningful, remarkable ways. the universe does not make mistakes. i strive to be the embodiment of love eand innocence - but it's hard. see...in the end of it all, i'm just an earthy, sensual, frolicsome mermaid that plays with fire.

i just want to meet a girl with depth, substance, light, consciousness, and warmth - one in whose presence i experience paradigm shifts and the expansion of my reality. amazing, heartful, lovely girl that will hopefully remain my "friend" for years to come - one that will share my dreams and visions - dynamic, highly adventurous activity partner to dance, play, travel, learn, laugh, soak in a hot tub, climb trees, run through waterfalls, catch snowflakes, blow bubbles, pet kittens, roll around and frolic with - a girl not afraid to get lost in order to be rediscovered - someone after myself...dancer, performer, playful-movement-oriented-magical-creature - one that accepts and understands my interests and respects my wacky health practices - someone extremely, extremely romantically spontaneous, silly and childlike, yet mature, emotioanlly stable, grounded, focused, independent, and secure. on that note, i seem to find myself extremely attracted to those unfortunately rare, tall, urban, dreaded, raspy, femmes, youthful faces, expressive eyes, sensitive, attentive, gentle personalities - those that are gracefully random, playful and unpredictable - those that, at the same time, channel divine light and radiate joy - those that have a way with words - know just what to say to make you forget to breathe - beautiful and uninhibited. i swear she is out there and she is an endangered species of her own. more than anything, i am attracted to artistic and creatively well-rounded individuals. if she inspires me in my own art form, she is priceless!!! i want to be continuously intellectually stimulated. i want to connect with someone in whom i share mutual interest and fascination as well as enthusiasm.

in terms of connections, i know exactly the qualities that i am drawn to - and you know - since i sat down and sent this request out into the universe - in it's random and bizarre mysterious ways, it has responded with exactly what i asked of it. i have recently spent some time with one of the most amazing girls i have ever met. she knows who she is.

this is part of my manifestation experiment that has worked thus far.

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(no subject)

Nov. 3rd, 2005 | 12:39 pm

"If you read this.. even if I don't speak to you often, post a memory of me. It can be anything you want.. it can be good or bad... just so long as it happened. Then repost to see what others remember about you."

Go easy on the obscenities!

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